Joke Corner

[MrElectricity]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"

[krs]

You're not an expat kiwi are you?!!

[MrElectricity]

No I'm true blue, just thought you guys from across the ditch would like that one.:D

[MrElectricity]

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.

However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:

" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"

[MrElectricity]

A bloke is marooned on a desert island. But he survives as there are plenty of coconuts and fresh water. Months pass and he sees a ripple about a hundred yards off shore. It keeps getting closer and closer until, at last, a tall blonde in full diving gear appears.

“You poor man”, she says. “How long have you been here?”

He replies that he’s lost all track of time and doesn’t know. What he knows is that he’s dying for a fag.

“No trubs”,(no troubles) she says, unzipping a pocket on the arm of her wetsuit and pulling out a packet of Winnies and a lighter.

Puffing happily, the bloke says he’s in seventh heaven and she asks him if he’d like a beer.

“Would I!” So she unzips the other pocket and pulls out a can of VB.

With a fag in one hand and a beer in the other, the bloke reckons he’s got it made. Then the blonde starts to unzip the front of her wetsuit.

“Having been here all this time,” she says, “I guess you’d like to play around.”

And the bloke says, “How on earth did you fit a set of golf clubs down there?”

[MrElectricity]

An Irishman arrived in Australia and went into a pub in the Outback where he asked for a glass and, having pissed into it, drank it. He then walked out the door, into the chook house and proceeded to knock the hens off their perches prior to going to the paddock, where he lifted the tail of a cow and put his ear to its anus. When he returned to the bar a few minutes later, the publican asked him to explain his strange conduct.

“Before I left Dublin,” he said, “I met an Aussie who said there are 3 things I had to do to be a real Australian. Drink the piss. Knock off the birds. And listen to the bullshit.”

[ukpakeha]

An Aussie ventriloquist goes to New Zealand and stays on a farm. He gets talking to the farmer about his animals.

He asks "Mind if I talk to your dog?" The farmer laughs "don't be daft, dogs can't talk!"

So the Aussie says to the dog "G'day dog, how are ya?" "Good, Aussie," says the dog "me owner gave me a big juicy bone to eat, eh!"

The Kiwi farmer is speechless.

The Aussie then asks "how about I talk to your horse?" The Kiwi farmer is still stunned.

He turns to the horse and asks "how's it going, horse?"

"Good as gold, Aussie. Me owner's just put some fresh hay in the stable."

The Aussie then turns to the sheep and asks "how's it going, sheep?"

The Kiwi farmer stands up and says "sheep are all liars!"

[MrElectricity]

:DClap clap, good to see the sheep legend is still going strong.:D

[MrElectricity]

A guy out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right to the nuts. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he asked,“How bad is it, Doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin.”

The doctor said, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay in about two weeks.” Then the doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentioned none of this to his girl and the two got married. On their honeymoon night, she opened her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts and told him, “You’ll be the first; no one has ever touched these before.”

The new bridegroom dropped his pants and said, “Look at this — it’s still in the crate!”

[paulw]

Subject: A little bit of History

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."
One week later, "The Kerryman," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

[bugalugs]

There was this man who had a recurring dream every night for weeks.
He dreamed he drove a truck from Wellington to Auckland (400 miles) and when he woke up he was dog tired and his work began to suffer. He sought advice from his doctor who sent him to see a psychiatrist.

On hearing the problem, the psychiatrist suggested, "Look, when you go to sleep and you start dreaming, dream you drive the truck to Taihape (200 miles),and I'll take over and drive it the rest of the way to Auckland"

Not too impressed with this $200 worth of advice, he decided to try it.
Went to sleep and the dream started. When he arrived in Taihape in his dream truck, there was the psychiatrist standing on the corner. The doctor took over and drove away and the man went back to sleep. He awoke in the morning feeling refreshed, the best he had felt in months.

He has a friend at work who also has a recurring dream. Only his is more debilitating. He dreams he gets involved with six women every night. It too, has been going on for months. He is a shadow of his former self, lost weight, is extremely irritable through lack of sleep and his work is suffering. So his mate suggests he go and see the same psychiatrist, which he agreed to do.

Explaining the desperate situation to the doctor, the psychiatrist said, "Look. You dream you get involved with two of the 20 year olds and dream I get involved with the remaining four and we'll see if that alleviates the problem"

The man is not overly impressed with this $220 worth of advice (inflation), but decides to try it.

However, the next morning he gets to work, his eyes hanging out, scarcely able to drag one foot after the other, a sorry sight indeed, His mate asks him what happened....

"Well I went to see that psychiatrist you recommended. He said I was to get involved with two young women and he'd take over the other four"

"So, what happened?"

"Well I handled two of them but he was having so much fun with the other four, I had to drive your b@#!*#y truck all the way from Taihape to Auckland!!!

[MrElectricity]

A bloke walks into a pub with his pet crocodile, puts the croc up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this croc’s mouth and place my manhood inside, it there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"

The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his little general in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.

After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and bashes the croc hard on the top of its head. The croc opens its mouth and the man removes his old fellow—unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.

"Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd.

After a few seconds, a old scrubber timidly speaks up. "I’ll do it, but don't hit me that hard."

[toobar]

A guys drinking down the pub with his mate,gets a bit carried away
and vomits down the front of his shirt.OH! NO!,he says, not again, my
wifes gonna kill me, she went clean off last time.His mate turns to him
and says, don’t worry mate, here’s $20, put it in your shirt pocket and
tell the wife someone else threw up on you, then gave you $20 for the
drycleaning bill.What a great idea he says and carries on drinking.
A couple of hours later he finally gets home, walks in and his wife starts
swearing and cursing at him. Whoa ,he says to her, it wasn’t me and tells
her about the stranger and the $20 in his shirt pocket.She says that’s ok then
and reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money.Hang on a minute she
says, theres $40 here. Oh yeah that’s right he says.The dirty buggar shat in
my pants as well!!

[MrElectricity]

A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the poops with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won $400. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the poops with him again. Asking her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."
__________________

[toobar]

A YOUNG MAN CALLED PETER INVITED HIS MOTHER FOR DINNER. DURING THE
COURSE OF THE MEAL, HIS MOTHER COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE HOW HANDSOME
PETER'S
FLATMATE WAS. SHE HAD LONG BEEN SUSPICIOUS OF A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN
THE
TWO, AND THIS ONLY MADE HER MORE CURIOUS. OVER THE COURSE OF THE
EVENING,
WHILE WATCHING THE TWO INTERACT, SHE STARTED TO WONDER IF THERE WAS
MORE
BETWEEN PETER AND HIS FLATMATE THAN MET THE EYE. READING HIS MUM'S
THOUGHTS,
PETER VOLUNTEERED, "I KNOW WHAT YOU MUST BE THINKING, BUT I ASSURE YOU,
SIMON & I ARE JUST FLATMATES".
ABOUT A WEEK LATER, SIMON CAME TO PETER SAYING, "EVER SINCE YOUR
MOTHER CAME TO DINNER, I'VE BEEN UNABLE TO FIND THE FRYING PAN, YOU
DON'T
SUPPOSE SHE TOOK IT DO YOU?" "WELL, I DOUBT IT, BUT I'LL E-MAIL HER
JUST
TO
BE SURE," SAID PETER, SO HE SAT DOWN AND WROTE:
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M
NOT
SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS
THAT
IT
HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER
SEVERAL DAYS LATER, PETER RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM HIS MOTHER WHICH
READ:
DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT
YOU
”DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING
IN
HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM

[iomkiwi]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National gallery was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assistance. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society...'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about? 'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.

[MrElectricity]

A Yank, a Kiwi, and an Aussie were sitting in a bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Kiwi and the Aussie that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Aussie drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Kiwi drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the Australian. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he said that in New Zealand we have so many Australians we never have to drink with the same ones twice.

[MrElectricity]

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove 50% of your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've removed 80%". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

[MrElectricity]

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass
in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.

He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet),
grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously
excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing
the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play
along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises
that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one
of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear
the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"

... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell
HIM you have a headache."

[MrElectricity]

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,
"Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that?
What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache'
and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'

[MrElectricity]

The State of Florida had a problem. The drug bust over the years had filled
their storage areas with Marijuana. It was decided the only option was to
burn all of the Marijuana on hand. The eventful day a huge mound of Marijuana
was torched. The fire raged and the smoke of the weed raised in a large cloud.
At this time a flock of Tern's flew through this cloud.
A group of forest rangers (aka Their environmental watch dogs) were sent out
to assure the well-being of the Terns . They followed this flock until they
finally landed. The rangers sneaking upon the terns were able to observe and
issue a report that read: Not a Tern was left unstoned.

[MrElectricity]

With a puzzled look on his face an Indian boy asked,
"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when
we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.",
She explained. The Mother Indian paused for a moment then
asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

[toobar]

Strailya Mate

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a
beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika
our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one
twice," he says.

The australian, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
"Wull mate, in ostralia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we
don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The New Zealander,as cool as a kiwi, picks up his beer and drinks
it,throws His glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South
African and the ozzie.

He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In nz mate, we have so many
bloody South Africans and ozzies that we don't need to drink with the
same ones twice ."

[MrElectricity]

Strailya Mate"

Sounds very much like post #17 but good on ya for trying.:o

[MrElectricity]

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three Aussies each buy tickets and watch as the
three
Kiwis buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an
Aussie.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Kiwi.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but
all three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket,
please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the
conference, the Aussies decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip
and save some money (being clever with money,and all that). When they
get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at all. "How are
you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie.

Watch and you'll see," answers a kiwi.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a bathroom and
the three Kiwis cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly

afterward, one of the Kiwis leaves his bathroom and walks over to the
bathroom where the Aussies are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[MrElectricity]

One Friday afternoon Little Johnny is in class and the teacher says:
"Ok class, if you can answer one of these questions, you can go home early and have a day off on Monday"
"Q1. Who discovered Australia and in what year?"
Little Jenny Chan puts her hand up and says "Captain Cook in 1788, Miss"
Teacher: "Very good Jenny, you can go home now and come back on Tuesday"
Jenny Chan: "No Miss, when I grow up I want to be a doctor so I have to study very hard so I can't afford to take a day off school"
Teacher: "That's very conscientious off you Jenny, well done"
Teacher: "Ok, next question, who discovered America and when?"
Jimmy Wang: "Christopher Columbus, 1648"
Teacher: "Well done, Jimmy, you can go home now and have Monday off"
Jimmy Wang: "No Miss, when I grow up I want to be a lawyer so I need to study really hard. I can't afford to take a day off school."
Teacher: "Very good Jimmy, that is really committed off you.
Someone at the rear of the classroom yells out: "F***ing Asian Bastards!"
Teacher: "Who said that?"
Little Johnny: "Pauline Hanson, 1996, see you Tuesday Miss!"

[toobar]

Sorry didnt see post #17

[MrElectricity]

Sorry didnt see post #17

All good mate. Just being a bit anal.:p

[bugalugs]

The judge turns to Micky Mouse and says

"I'm sorry Micky but you can't just divorce Minnie just because you say she is crazy"

"That's not what I said" says Micky

"I said she was f*cking Goofy

[iomkiwi]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, 'You know, I know everyone there
is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.'
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Dave, how about
Tom Cruise?'
'No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.'
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
and Tom Cruise shouts, 'Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come
on in for a beer!'
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just
lucky.
'No, no, just name anyone else,' Dave says.
'President Bush,' his boss quickly retorts.
'Yup,' Dave say's, 'Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington .'
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, 'Dave, what a surprise, I was
just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.'
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to
Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
'The Pope,' his boss replies.
'Sure!' says Dave. 'I've known the Pope for years.' So off they fly to
Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St.
Peter's Square when Dave says, 'This will never work. I can't catch the
Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards
so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.'
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the
balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a
heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, 'What happened?'


His boss looks up and says, 'It was the final straw ... you and the Pope
came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f***k
is that on the balcony with Dave?'

[toobar]

A man was leaving a coffee shop with his morning coffee in hand, when
he noticed a most unusual funeral procession advancing along the street.

First came a coffin inside a long black hearse. Then, from about 10
metres behind, it was followed by a second long black hearse carrying
another coffin. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking with
a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 100 men walking single
file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I
know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral
like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
wife when the dog turned on her."

A thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

[toobar]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress pretends not to notice and asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same" Again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time ?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[Apsattv]

During a visit to the mental hospital, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be admitted.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Would you like a bed near the window?"

[toobar]

A small zoo in Australia acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.

The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. 'Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?' he asks.

The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions, 'First, I don't want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this'. The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.

'Well,' says the janitor, 'I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500'

[iomkiwi]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he's a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,

'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?’

[MrElectricity]

In case you wondered

[MrElectricity]

The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from Australia ,one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.

The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi.
I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'.

Hansie from Seth Efrika.
Who typically can't stand to be bettered said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today.

Colin the Australian.
Remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

[tomsionandrew]

Ha....always good to see some Aussie jokes coming through - and as my aussie friend would say, these jokes can go either way (meaning against aussie or nz). My fav....

Why was the Christ Child not born in Australia ? You'd have a job finding three wise men, much less a virgin !!!!

[BobM]

Sqeaky Clean!
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a seagull.?

A mutton bird.:_lol: